We have a four-year-old daughter who just started Sunday School. Before that, she was in the church nursery. She overheard her Sunday School teachers talking about a congregant who passed away. She asked them what happens when people pass away? She was told they go to Heaven. She told us she was asking questions that weren’t answered because they started their Sunday School lesson. When she came home, she asked us, “Where is Heaven and what is it like?” The bottom line was she was fearful she is going to die, as well. We answered her as best we could and told her that the person the teachers were talking about was very old, in his 90’s, and she has nothing to worry about. We also explained to her that Heaven is a beautiful place where Jesus is and everyone is well and happy. We feel we didn’t really explain this very well. Please help us tell her more from a spiritual perspective. – Uncertain Parents

Dear Uncertain Parents ~

These are particularly challenging subjects, death and heaven, to unravel for a child. Your daughter’s reaction is not uncommon, as children can’t yet understand abstract ideas. For example, the concept of death is scary because young ones can’t fathom not being alive; it doesn’t make sense because they can’t anchor the thought to anything they currently know or understand. Likewise, the idea of heaven prompts children to struggle with being away from their parents and the safety of home.  

When explaining concepts to children, the number one strategy is to tell them the absolute truth in age-appropriate terms. In other words, please don’t get into lengthy narratives, but use short, simple explanations that give them something they can understand. Try to answer their questions honestly, which might mean ‘I’m not sure,’ but always fashion a response of some kind. When we avoid their questions, the topic becomes more intriguing, which might cause additional challenges.

It’s essential that you are authentic and transparent with her. Healthily expressing your emotions gives her permission to feel and express her own. Be direct, talk about death, not passing away, or going to sleep because your daughter will likely seek to relate that to herself. For example, ‘passing away’ or ‘going to sleep’ may make her fear sleeping because she may feel she might not wake up. She may be concerned that God might want to take her to heaven, as well.

Addressing heaven and faith with your daughter is another tricky concept. When we say, ‘he’s gone home to be with God, ‘ children often wonder if God will take them, too. When my older daughter was young, she wasn’t as much afraid of death because it wasn’t something she could relate to, but the thought of heaven seriously challenged her. She told me that she wasn’t sure she’d like it there because she wouldn’t be near familiar things and especially her sister and me. But, again, this thought circle’s back to her inability to embrace abstract thoughts.

When we read Revelation 21, we find many beautiful descriptive phrases about heaven:

“And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.” (v. 10-11)

“The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.” (v. 19-21)

As lovely a picture, the words portray, even adults have trouble wrapping their minds around the glory of heaven. So imagine the challenge of a child in conceptualizing these images.

There’s help, though! Many excellent books have been written to assist you in your quest, as well as online resources. Here are a couple of websites that may be useful:

How to Talk to Kids About Death – npr.org/2019/04/24/716702066/death-talking-with-kids-about-the-end

How to Talk to Your Kids About Death and Heaven – what’s in the bible.com/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-death-and-heaven

Teaching Kids About Heaven – focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teaching-kids-about-heavenTeaching Kids About Heaven – focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teaching-kids-about-heaven

And a few books are written for children:

When Someone You Love Dies – R. Dodd

Tell Me About Heaven and Heaven for Kids – R. Alcorn

God Made Me for Heaven: Helping Children Live for an Eternity with Jesus – M. Machowski

Heaven, God’s Promise for Me – A. Graham Lotz

Someday Heaven – L. Libby

Blessings to you in your quest to help your sweet daughter understand that she doesn’t need to be afraid of death or heaven. Be present with her, model your faith to her, encourage her that there’s nothing to worry about, speak honestly and directly, and give lots of hugs!

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda