This may seem like small potatoes, but it has created a major upheaval in our home. We have two children, Jimmy, age 11 and, Kristin age 8. Three years ago, we rescued a dog we named Moe. The intention was for Moe to be a family dog but shortly after bringing him home, he attached himself to Jimmy and is now “Jimmy’s Dog.” Kristin now wants her own dog. She tells us she’ll take care of her dog, feeding it and walking it.  It just seems one more dog would create more work for everyone since we both work. Kristin said all she wants for Christmas is her own dog. We welcome your suggestions. ~ Perplexed Parents

Dear Perplexed Parents ~

I feel your pain! Having raised two daughters as a single mom, I know the challenges when one child feels the other has favor in some way. I can’t tell you how often I heard, It’s not fair! or She always gets what she wants, and I never get anything! It makes me a little queasy in my stomach just thinking about it.

We do our best to keep a balance of equity between our children. Your intentions were right with the initial rescue; however, it seems the dog had other ideas. Consequently, the scale tilted in favor of your son. It’s no one’s fault, which makes the situation even more tenuous. Jimmy’s happy, and so is Moe. Sadly, Kristin feels slighted, which is unfortunate for her. It’s a difficult lesson for an eight-year-old, but it’s a wonderful learning opportunity for you as a family.

Consider reviewing your family ground rules and exploring virtues to add to the list. Virtues are linked with moral behavior and are essential to growing children and their experiences. Colossians 3:12-15 shares about the character of man:

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.”

Your particular situation involves mercy, kindness, humility, and longsuffering. Of course, for Kristin, it is an issue of justice, but when you look at the circumstances, the others mentioned are closer to the issue’s root.

Mercy happened when your family rescued Moe. You all had a part in it and had every reason to believe the entire family would benefit from the addition. Kindness involved selecting one animal, knowing the rigors of your schedules, and the ability to provide adequate attention to both children and pets. This virtue is also why there are better choices than an additional dog at this time.

Longsuffering is the virtue Kristin will learn as you hold fast to your decision not to get another animal. Unfortunately, it will be difficult for her to understand, as she’s a long way away from cognitive development that will enable her to appreciate abstract thinking. You, however, can help her by understanding her sadness and modeling empathy for a situation over which she has no control.

Circling back to bearing with one another and forgiving one another, as parents, you can help your daughter believe that one day she’ll have her own pets. Love comes into play as you assist both children in finding ways to be included in Moe’s care. For example, Jimmy could ask for Kristin’s help feeding, grooming, and walking Moe. Sharing care and responsibilities will also teach them the fine art of cooperation and enjoying peace.

In the end, you’ll want to consider that tough love is not a negative response to children’s requests. I wish it weren’t so but helping her understand life isn’t always the way she’d like it will add depth and character. The exercise will help her manage her expectations and recognize that sometimes we don’t get what we want – something that we battle daily as adults, particularly in an overly entitled society.

The bottom line, as I see it, rests in our responsibility to grow and nurture the character of our children, which far outweighs our need to be liked by them. Sometimes the lessons are challenging. Often, we displease them with an unpopular outcome. But, when faced with a decision about shaping their characters, we are wise to lean on lovingly disciplining and guiding them to a new perspective.

The situation really isn’t small potatoes, as you can see. As parents, we are responsible for raising our children well and with ethical and moral compasses. We may not win the Favored Parent Award. Still, in the end, we will be instrumental in creating one more exceptional human to help move society into a more inclusive and understanding world.

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda