Question: We grew up in a home full of domestic violence because of a father, who was an alcoholic. He physically and mentally abused our mom and us, too. We couldn’t wait to graduate from high school and leave home. After we did, we only stayed in touch with our mom. We didn’t speak to dad at all, but toward the end of our dad’s life, two of our sisters reconciled with him. My brother and I still didn’t want anything to do with him although we’re both clear that we forgave him. We just didn’t want him in our lives. When he died, we didn’t go to his funeral. Our mom, who stayed with dad all those many years didn’t mind that we didn’t go to his funeral. Our two sisters are angry and won’t speak to us. Did we do the right thing? Should we have gone to dad’s funeral? ~ Uncertain Siblings

Dear Uncertain Siblings ~

It saddens me to learn of your childhood experiences. Domestic violence is difficult to discuss, and even in this society of openness, some things remain locked behind closed doors. The fact that you can talk about it now is admirable, and determining how you choose to deal with the past is strictly a matter of your choice. You were also victims, not only your mother, and deserve to respond to any inquiry about the abuse as you see fit.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes there is a financial dependence that makes leaving untenable. With several children, my guess is that Mom was either too afraid of going it on her own or simply unable to see how life could work. Some survivors stay because it’s the only way they know. Back in the day, no one got involved in these private matters, or it would disgrace the family. Some stay because they become used to the pattern of violence and are willing to sacrifice their days of suffering for other times of relative peace. I’m not sure what the case was with your mom, but it says a lot about your character that you found the freedom to remain in contact with her.

Another aspect of your situation is that forgiveness is different from forgetting. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying forgive and forget, which isn’t a safe way to manage in an abusive family system. Forgiveness is a Biblical standard that encourages us to forgive others, allowing the Lord to carry the burden of the offense and the retribution on our behalf. The fact that you were willing to forgive is admirable and aligns with your faith.

Forgetting is altogether different. When we forgive an offense, we give control to God to seek justice. Our role is to release the pain, humiliation, and emotional content to move forward with our lives without the baggage of the past. Forgetting would imply that the act never happened. That sounds like rewriting history to eliminate the unsavory events. How would we ever be able to move forward by ceasing to acknowledge from whence we came – denying the events simply defies logic. Forgive, yes. Work through the trauma, yes. Pray for healing, yes. But pretending it never happened is unrealistic. Consequently, forgetting may not be appropriate.

That being said, the matter of reconciliation is very personal. It sounds like your other siblings needed to reunite with your dad at some point. Whether they reached out to him or him to them, they no longer perceived him as a threat and felt the need to allow him into their worlds. Again, this a personal decision that had no bearing on your decision to stay away. Let’s face it, not all stories end happily, and people shouldn’t hold others to a standard of behavior that takes them beyond their comfort zones.

Just as reconciliation is a very personal decision, so is the idea of honoring someone in death who didn’t earn your love and esteem in life. At funerals, we celebrate the person and legacy left behind. If we don’t have an authentic and compelling reason to honor someone, and when the mere thought of participating in something like that feels wrong, then showing up with resentment would be folly.

Some people will utter words from Scripture that compel us to:

“Honor your father and your mother.” (Matthew 19:19, Mark 10:19, Luke 18:20, Ephesians 6:2)

But Scripture also advises in both Ephesians and Colossians:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 (AMP)

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Colossians 3:21 (NKJV)

It sounds like your sisters are making their own choices, which is their right. However, you shouldn’t feel shame for following your conscience and staying away. I hope one day you will all be able to reconcile with one another, hold space for your differences, and come together with the common interests of your mom. In the meantime, you are only accountable to yourselves and God for your actions.

Lean into the love, strength, and courage of the Lord! If your consciences are clear, know that you have forgiven and deserve respect for that, as well as your other decisions.

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda