Who You Are

“Don’t let others decide who you are.” Paul Martinelli

Happy Monday! 

What a wonderful weekend! Those of us who like the summer heat certainly had an opportunity to revel in the climbing temperature. Others, myself included, were happy to spend time indoors in cool, air-conditioned rooms. It seems important to understand ourselves so we can encourage others to experience their own joy.

I often hear about the lack of understanding and how people don’t really know each other. Statements like, “He just doesn’t understand my needs” and “She really doesn’t get me” are things I hear regularly from spouses, partners, family, friends, and co-workers. I believe they’re true statements because we frequently don’t know ourselves and have difficulty being authentic in relationships. We become confused.

It’s as though we expect others to get into our heads and navigate through the maze of uncertainty and confusion to find out about us. Even if that were possible, I’m afraid it wouldn’t do much good when we don’t have a handle on our own thoughts, what makes us tick, what makes us unique, and who we are. We need to have clarity in our minds to be able to allow others to know us. And we don’t need to defer to others’ ideas of who we are to figure it out.

I found this quote from Paul Martinelli that captured these thoughts:

There’s a significant difference between who you are, who you aspire to be, and who someone wants you to think you are. When we’re uncertain about our values, character, and preferences, we put ourselves in the position of looking to others for validation, which isn’t always safe. When we are prone to agree with what others say about us and try to acquiesce to how they feel we should think, act, or speak, we risk losing sight of our true desires. Trying to be someone other than honoring our true nature can lead to even more confusion.

When this happens, it seriously disrupts our sense of self and will most likely damage our self-esteem, putting us out of balance and disturbing our mental and emotional health. Have you ever been thrown off by a negative comment and wondered if the person was correct in their assessment of your character? I know I have. I remember a time when I was terribly insecure about myself. I was on a cruise having a wonderful conversation with another passenger. At one point, the other person asked me some pointed questions about myself that I wasn’t comfortable answering.

Instead of holding tight to an information boundary, I decided to answer the questions. Responding prompted an immediate negative judgment from the person and a swift departure. I was left wondering what just happened. It was awful. I lost my sense of self and had to do some quick self-evaluation in order to salvage the day. It was nothing shocking and not even something to cause controversy, but I felt belittled and misunderstood

That was a long time ago, and I’ve since learned the importance of firm, healthy boundaries and know how not to be bullied into revealing personal information, or any information for that matter. It wasn’t that what I said was bad; I felt pressured into answering a question that wasn’t the individual’s business and was used against me to prove a ridiculous point. The entire interaction was a colossal waste of time, particularly my time.

I’d be surprised if you don’t relate on some level. Who you are is up to you. It’s not a matter of judgment from someone else. We don’t have to measure up to some illusive standards. We don’t even have to explain ourselves just because someone asks. We get to decide what we reveal and to whom, and there shouldn’t be any surrounding questions. Of course, I live in the real world where this type of thing happens frequently, but the story’s point is we don’t have to feel compelled to answer anyone who has yet to earn the right to ask.

Try thinking about what makes you unique this week. What are those special qualities that define who you are? Then, consider all the happy anecdotes that help you mitigate the effects of trying to conform. I’m sure you’ll be in for some surprising results.

Be Well & Be Blessed!

Lucinda