I’m a retired scientist and have a group of friends who are also scientists. Four years ago, we started a discussion group for the purpose of learning about current scientific discoveries. We met once a week and then about two years ago, a man joined our group and began dominating the discussions. One by one, individuals began dropping out until the only ones coming were the domineering guy and me, so I closed down the group. Now, I’m getting requests to restart the group without letting the domineering person know. Somehow he found out. We don’t want him to attend, but what do I/We say?I don’t think telling him he can’t dominate the discussions would work.

– In a Quandary

Dear In a Quandary ~

Thank you for your sensitive approach to this dilemma. Many would merely dismiss the attendee and not give him or the situation another thought. It’s challenging to maintain group cohesion when you have a member who chooses to dominate discussions. If you’ve tried establishing boundaries in the past, to no avail, it seems unlikely that his person would be willing to abide by any group rules of engagement.

It appears that you do have two choices. You may consider inviting the man to attend with certain stipulations and in making it clear to him that if he isn’t compliant, he will be asked to leave the group, permanently. This course of action represents establishing boundaries in its purest form, by giving the person an opportunity to correct his or her behavior. There are several reflections in Scripture to support receiving correction:

“My son, do not despise the chastening of the” Lord, nor detest His correction…”

Proverbs 3:11

“He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses correction goes astray.” Proverbs 10:17

“Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is foolish.”

Proverbs 12:1

The alternative would be reminiscent of ‘tough love’ and might be more difficult to implement but, support a foundation of group trust. Tough love represents action taken that might be difficult to execute at the time but helps another in the long run. If the group feels this person has been offered opportunities to self-reflect and change his mannerisms without success, releasing him to fulfill an alternative purpose and destiny may be the most beneficial for all involved, including the person creating the problem for the group. It’s not always easy but may represent the more virtuous action, even though it might feel unkind in the moment.

Whatever your decision, if it’s coming from a place of presence and honor and is in the best interests of all concerned, you’ve done your due diligence in looking out for the greater good.

I wish you success and peace in the process!

Blessings!

Lucinda