When I was three years old, my parents divorced and my mom was given full custody of me because my dad traveled with his work a lot. That’s all I knew. I was never told the reason for the divorce and whenever I asked my mom about my dad she would just say she didn’t want to talk about it. I’m now 23, but when I was eighteen, I decided to try to find my dad. It took me two years and I found him. We’ve met several times and he told me that he and mom just weren’t compatible. After several attempts to make the marriage work, he decided to ask mom for a divorce. Mom found out that I’m seeing my father and she won’t speak to me. I love both my parents and want to have a relationship with each of them. Until I found dad, mom and I got along great. What can I do to reassure my mom that I don’t think things have to change between us? – Daughter in Limbo

Dear Daughter in Limbo ~

First, let me commend and support you in your desire to honor your parents! Danny Silk shared in his book, Culture of Honor, that honor is central to creating safety by valuing differing opinions. Your desire to know your father is not uncommon among children who have become distanced from the missing parent due to divorce. My hope is that your father welcomed you and that your relationship with him is growing and thriving.

Your mother’s main job has been to protect and nurture you on your journey to becoming the person you are today, and it sounds like she’s done an excellent job. My guess is that you probably don’t know the entire story, and your mom’s remembrance of the events that led to the divorce may be different than those of your dad. Often, hurt people, hurt people, meaning her response to you may very well come from her brokenness and feelings of sadness, abandonment, and pain – things from which she’s tried to protect you during your lifetime. The thought of harm coming to you because of someone who hurt her may be more than she can endure.

You do have some options in the way you approach her, however. Scripture advises us to “speak the truth in love,” in Ephesians 4:15. This suggests confrontation, a scary word that doesn’t, necessarily, have to be distasteful. Confronting in love involves utilizing the gifts of the Spirit that Paul shares with us in Galatians. The Passion Translation puts it this way:

“But the fruit produced by the Holy Spirit within you is divine love in all its varied expressions: joy that overflows, peace that subdues, patience that endures, kindness in action, a life full of virtue, faith that prevails, gentleness of heart, and strength of spirit. Never set the law above these qualities, for they are meant to be limitless.”

Perhaps you can reach out to your mom with these thoughts in mind and with the direction from Isaiah 1:18, “Come now let us reason together.” This way, you begin the process of rebuilding your relationship with your mom in truth and with transparency regarding your motives for wanting to know your dad. As you intentionally disclose your rationale, gently remind her that you didn’t begin your search to hurt or dishonor her. You will be authentically representing your need to know your dad as an addition to the story of your life, not in exclusion of all that she means to you. This discussion can be done confidently and kindly, asking her to try to understand your interest in knowing him does not preclude your deep love for her. It would be great if she agreed to meet and talk things through with you. If she’s not amenable to meeting with you, consider writing a letter to her with your thoughts. A message of this nature, suggests extra care and consideration and underscores your need to find a way to reconcile.

As a mom, I can share that we want the best for our children. Sadly, we sometimes lead with our hurt hearts and create a fissure with our children, without knowing how to retrace our steps and make things right. Your desire to take the lead in reconciliation with her may truly be her lifeline back to you. I wish you clear thinking and discernment as you continue to seek a meaningful relationship with both your parents.

Be Well & Be Blessed!

Lucinda