Several of our families have taken turns hosting Thanksgiving for the past twenty years. Almost everyone has decided to have their own Thanksgiving this year, except one family. They’re insisting we get together. Up until now, there have been no disagreements, ever – believe it or not. They don’t seem to understand a person can test negative for COVID-19 and positive a few days later. We all are getting daily telephone calls begging us to change our minds. Please help us gently and lovingly convey to them that a large family gathering is NOT going to happen this year. We’re concerned that this may cause a long-lasting family rift. – Family Quandary

Dear Family Quandary ~

I appreciate that your family has created a lovely tradition of togetherness for Thanksgiving. When a culture of honor and familial affection is established over many years, there seems to be a feeling of loss akin to grief that occurs as situations prevent us from engaging in the customs and rituals that landmark special events, particularly holidays. In these precarious times, the decision to break those traditions may seem disrespectful to some group members, but that doesn’t mean it’s an unnecessary precaution – merely protective.                                   

With the number of cases recorded this week alone, it appears that you’re being significantly responsible for limiting access to one another. Some would say that’s a real sign of caring for the welfare of others. Not everyone relates to the gravity of the situation, which is sure to cause derision among various family members. The old adage comes to mind, “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” (John Lydgate, later adapted by President Lincoln). It seems that you might be in the “most of the people some of the time” space in this situation.

We’re told in Scripture that Joseph wasn’t exempt from family drama. Genesis 37:8 relates less than kindly feelings among the brothers: 

“His brothers said, ‘So! You’re going to rule us? You’re going to boss us around?’ And they hated him more than ever because of his dreams and the way he talked.’” (MSG)

Even Jesus wasn’t exempt from a lack of cooperation from friends and neighbors.

“Isn’t he the carpenter, the son of Mary? Aren’t James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon his brothers? Don’t his sisters still live here in our town?” The people were very unhappy because of what he was doing.” Mark 6:3 (CEV)

We all have the right to stand for what we believe. How we convey our thoughts may be as important as the message itself, however. We’re taught as children to say things with kindness and good intentions. We’re told to be honorable and respectful. We’re also trained to treat one another as we’d like to be treated. In the case of the group members who feel compelled to continue the tradition, you have a duty to yourself and them to be gentle, considering the sorrow and disconnection underlying their need to be together. That being said, you also have an obligation to yourselves and the other family members to hold firm boundaries.  

My hope for you is that you can deliver the message in love, hope for the best possible outcome, and hold tight to your boundaries for the family’s safety and well-being in its entirety. There may be disagreement, and that’s okay, as long as you remain firmly committed to the idea that differences of opinion are part of life’s experience. Change is inevitable and, when embraced, provides us with new ways to problem-solve creatively.

Perhaps you might arrange for a group Zoom time when everyone can share stories from their respective celebrations toward the end of the day. Or maybe you can time it, so you Zoom dinner together from the various gatherings and locations. It’s not the same but may accommodate the desire to be together in some capacity. One day, our current circumstances will change, and new arrangements can be made.  

Wherever you end up in this conversation, I pray you’re centered in gratitude and genuine thankfulness for all the blessings that your collective family enjoys!

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda