My husband died ten years ago. He was 78. I’ve been living alone in the home we had together for 40 years. I’m now 85. I drive, go to church every Sunday and help out at church functions. I took a fall a month ago. Nothing was broken and although I was bruised, I’m healing nicely. Our two daughters were very concerned and now they keep telling me over and over that I should sell the house and move into assisted living. I don’t want to and I’ve told them that over and over. I intend to stay in my home as long as I can. As long as I’m of sound mind and independent, I see no need to change the way I’ve been living. The Problem: Daughters are angry and won’t listen to what I have to say. Can you help us get over this “bump” in our relationship? Freedom Loving Mom

 

Dear Freedom Loving Mom ~

I believe the care and concern that your daughters are currently displaying is a testament to the parenting they received from you and your husband. In this day of entitlement and narcissism, it’s refreshing to hear that your daughters are considering your welfare and safety. My guess is that their fear is likely exacerbated by the fact that you’re alone much of the time, which may lead them to worry about what might happen to you should you have another fall. The unfortunate reality is that a significant number of active older adults have met with a severe accidental injury that may not have been treated in a timely manner. Many of the injuries could have been prevented or dealt with more expeditiously had there been someone close by to take appropriate action.

That being said, and although I’m sorry to hear about your fall, it sounds like you have a firm grasp on the realities of your life and are presently capable of determining the path of your best interests. Scripture tells us repeatedly in Ephesians, Philippians, and Colossians that children are to honor and obey their parents. Although your daughters’ intentions may be well-meaning and motivated by love, you ultimately have the right to make your own determination about the course of your life.

Perhaps you might consider having an earnest conversation with them about your capabilities and the standards by which you judge your aptitude and capacity to care for yourself. There might be value in assessing your strengths and limitations and then discussing the benchmarks that would indicate an appropriate time for you to move into an assisted living arrangement. Also, a next step may be to have a part-time caregiver to help with the more demanding tasks and to check in on you a couple of times per week. That person could be a friend or neighbor, a fellow church member, one of your daughters or a grandchild, or someone you hire from an accredited organization. If you’re honest with yourself and with your daughters, you will be able to devise a plan to determine when, how, and where additional care will be needed.

I wish you wisdom, patience, and peace in the process of retaining your independence, and discernment on the part of your daughters to match the love they’ve shown you.

Blessings!
Lucinda