I had a tumultuous childhood. Our home was filled with my parents fighting – mostly one-sided because my dad would get drunk, come home and argue with mom. Sometimes, he would beat her up. When I was a senior in high school, I’d had enough and called the sheriff. They came and took my dad away for several months. I left home shortly after that. Yesterday, the subject came up and a close relative wanted to know the details so I told him. I was surprised that I still had angry feelings about my dad, because I believed I had forgiven him a long time ago. I also had extremely sad feelings about what my mom went through until she finally left him. I really want to totally forgive him and let it go. Is there a way to do that once and for all?

– Sad Memories

Dear Sad Memories ~

It’s interesting how emotions emerge when we least expect them and create uncertainty for situations we thought were already reconciled. Anger for a parent who was abusive and sadness for the surviving parent is not uncommon in dysfunctional households, particularly where alcohol is involved. As an adult child, you have the combined challenge of forgiving the offending parent, knowing more of the implications on the family system now that you’re mature and understand the behavior, and feeling a myriad of competing emotions for the victimized parent.

Your story is, sadly, one of many adult children of alcoholics. Your actions of calling the sheriff when you couldn’t stand by and do nothing speak volumes to your character and integrity. And that you were able to support your mom when she made the tough decision to overcome her fears and venture out on her own shows your courage, as well. As a side-note, the national average of survivors of domestic violence leaving their abusers is a stunning eight times. It sounds like your mom may have been one of the fortunate ones who went to create a new life for herself sooner than later.

Forgiveness is an extremely misunderstood concept. We’ve heard the phrase “forgive and forget” as a means to move on from an unhealthy or abusive situation. The reality is that we seldom forget atrocities such as abuse, so it seems counterintuitive to try. Another way to look at forgiveness, particularly from a faith viewpoint, is to forgive as an act of will. The action doesn’t necessarily include forgetting.

When we forgive someone as an act of will, the process allows us to release the burden of holding the negative emotions and allowing God to exact justice on our behalf. It means we agree to do our best to let go of our need/desire to punish and leave that task to Him to deliver the consequences of His choice. We are then free to love again with an open heart. We may even find ourselves loving the abuser, from a distance, of course, and praying for him or her to heal from the hurts that were the driving factors that perpetuated the abuse.

Scripture is replete with messages about forgiveness beginning in Genesis and extending throughout the New Testament. One of the most thought-provoking is Luke 22:34a, which reads:

“Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they’re doing.” (GW)

Some of the last words that Jesus uttered were about forgiveness. He was in physical, mental, and emotional agony, separated from the Father, and still willing to let go of offense. This action is powerful imagery for us to emulate. As we surrender our anger at injustice to Him, the weight and burden of offense lifts off our backs, leaving it with the Rightful Judge.

Sometimes we have to surrender our anger many times before we finally believe that we’re free from the oppression. From my own experience as a survivor of domestic violence, I can tell you that it’s worth the effort.

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda