I just want to say I am grateful for everything I have and with everything going on in the world and even closer to home, this may seem like I am not. I’d rather not exchange Christmas gifts, but my family insists. Most of them ask for wish lists as I do, but there is one who does not and “guesses” every year what to give me. This year, she gave me a purse (she’s already given me three that are in good condition) and large scarves which I’ll never use. I always thank her, but feel like a fraud doing that.  I plan on returning these items because I know where she bought them. We live miles apart so she’ll never know. Am I being a phoney? Shall I just keep playing her game or is there an alternative that won’t hurt her feelings? – Uncertain Recipient

Dear Uncertain Recipient ~

It’s a blessing to learn of your continuing practice concerning gratitude in this very unusual time in our history! Sometimes we can get so lost in the chaos that we forget to notice how truly fortunate we are, particularly when others try to gift us with something nice or useful. I don’t think you qualify as a phony, per se, but I believe your relative continues to give you items that don’t suit your needs or lifestyle because she has no real reason to change what she probably feels works for you.

Scripture tells us in Matthew 18:15 that if we have an issue with someone, we should go to that person directly and attempt to work things out. The general intent is for conflict resolution; however, the practice may be viable in the context of gift-giving and receiving. When we receive a gift, we learn that the thoughtfulness of selecting and giving represents the esteem and affection the person holds for us. Gracefully receiving a gift is the reciprocal process to demonstrate the regard we have for the giver.

The difficulty appears when we receive something that isn’t pleasing to us. The action feels thoughtless, and perhaps we wonder if the person understands and appreciates us. When the same situation happens repeatedly, we face the dilemma of what to do. Will she be hurt or embarrassed if you say something, or would it be easier to let it go? The situation is challenging any way you look at it.

In your case, the relative seems to want to do things her way, which you noted is different than others in the family. I wonder what it would look like if you extended an invitation to meet, either in person or via Zoom or facetime, and gently brought the subject to her attention. You might begin with an appreciation for her thoughtfulness, relay your positive regard for her taste, and then segue into sharing the types of items that are more suited to your life and style. Sometimes tricky conversations open the door to deeper understanding and appreciation. She may be grateful for your honesty.

Alternatively, you may decide that such a conversation would hurt her feelings and continue to return gifts, hoping she doesn’t discover the ruse. Another thought would be to donate unwanted items to charity. Ultimately, the choice is yours.

Maya Angelou once shared the following:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Whatever your choice, remember the blessing and beauty of making another feel special and appreciated.

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda