After trying for four years to have a baby, our daughter and her husband decided to have invitro fertilization. For whatever reason, the fetus miscarried. They both were heart-broken. They want to try again and are asking us to pay for the procedure. We can afford the cost; however, we’d rather they would adopt. They did tell us that if this time doesn’t work out, they will adopt. What are your thoughts about what we should do? – Undecided

Dear Undecided ~        

My heart goes out to those who genuinely desire to have a family and are struggling to conceive. It seems like the harder they try, the more difficult the process. I do, however, know of several families who adopted, and once they began to relax again, they were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. So many factors are involved, not the least of which is the emotional state of the parents.

In Vitro Fertilization or IVF is very costly in terms of time, money, and the emotional toll it takes on the family. It sounds like your daughter and her husband deeply desire to have a family with their own biological, genetic code. Supporting their decision is a gift you can give them as parents. As much as we’d like to help our children make decisions that align with our beliefs, we can only advise them. If money is not the issue, there are several questions to consider.

First, what is the basis of your decision to help or not to help them financially? You might consider this in the context of the larger picture. For example, are you concerned about another miscarriage and what that might do to your daughter (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and her relationship with her husband? Maybe you’re wondering if you consent this time and the procedure isn’t successful, might there be another ask for your financial support. Perhaps you’re wondering how to balance your desire for them with theirs.

Second, is there a basis for your daughter’s decision to ask you to finance the efforts. It’s lovely that she has the option of asking you, but is her freedom to do that based on the desire to try again at all costs. If, for some reason, IVF doesn’t work out this time, will it indeed be the last effort? Also, is there a compelling reason that she’s not considering adoption at this time. It would be good to consider these things and have an authentic and transparent conversation ahead of time to mitigate any resentment in the future.

Scripture offers encouragement for parents and children:

“The lovers of God will walk in integrity, and their children are fortunate to have godly parents as their examples.”  Proverbs 20:7 (TPT)

“[Love in Our Families and Workplaces] Children, if you want to be wise, listen to your parents and do what they tell you, and the Lord will help you.”  Ephesians 6:1 (TPT)

I believe you must search your hearts for the solution that best aligns with your desires and those of your daughter. It would be useful for your daughter and her husband to do the same. I would suggest the follow-up to those efforts would be effective, honest, and heartfelt communication between the four of you. In this way, you will be able to maintain a loving relationship and lay the groundwork for welcoming a new member into the family.

I’m praying for clarity and discernment for you all!

Be Well & Be Blessed!
Lucinda